It never ceases to amaze and humor me when people who don't have children express disbelief and even annoyance that I sometimes run late for things.
I do. I find it absolutely laugh worthy that a person who can grab a coat and be ready to go anywhere a tank of gas will take them takes umbrage with my being ten minutes late, or, as was the case recently, actually express disdain that I have not been holding up my part of the friendship by visiting more often.
Those of you who have or have had small children know what I'm talking about, but some of you may not, so please allow me to describe the typical events of even the most standard of trips to someplace as simple as a grocery store. Know that I do not do this to complain or illicit pity, but in an effort to "clue in" those who may not fully understand just what leaving a house with children entails.
Firstly, it all begins with a careful calculation of expected drive time and intended time of arrival, as it would with anyone. We have to be there at 10 and it's a half hour drive away, so I should be pulling out of my driveway by 9:20 just in case there is some traffic or I get stuck behind a truck or something. So far, so good.
A parent also has to account for the additional time it takes to outfit a child/ren for the outdoors or, as I sometimes liken it to, squeezing squirming toothpaste back into the tube, and the inevitable wrestling match with both the child/ren and their stupid carseat that was clearly designed by sadists. We'll call that another 10 minutes, so we're looking at a 9:10 departure time. No big deal. Got it covered.
If there is a child in diapers, it's just assumed that they'll poop themselves and need a change at 9:09, because there is something about the sound of jiggling car keys that moves a child's bowel like nothing else. That one actually isn't that big of a deal (usually) and can almost be overlooked in the timeline, but what cannot be overlooked is that during the world-record setting one-handed diaper change you complete in 30 seconds, your other children have stripped off their coats and scattered about the house. So, we'll call it 9 o'clock, just to be safe. We have to be leaving by 9 if we want to make it there by 10.
Okay, no big deal... but wait! They're going to be in the car for an hour, they're going to need snacks! And entertainment! And whatsherface can't go anywhere without that weird whatszit doll you have to plan for weeks ahead just to separate them long enough to wash the disgusting thing. Have to make sure that thing is packed. And a change of clothes for everyone, just in case. And some extra diapers and wipes. And... oh, darn, as you were packing you absent-mindedly left your coffee cup too close to the edge of the counter and little hands have ensured that you now have a mess to clean up.
"Okay, cleaned up. Packed up. Everyone go potty.
One at a time!
Okay, you brush your teeth over here and you go potty there and you go get your shoes. No, not the soccer ball, your shoes.
Your shoes.
Your shoes.
Your... oh hell, why did you just spit toothpaste all over the floor? Alright, quickly now, I'll go get some paper towels, you help your brother with his shoes. His shoes. His shoes. No, not the soccer ball! His shoes!
Where are the paper towels?
Uh oh, the toilet paper roll is finished and since I'm the only one in the house who is physically capable of changing it I'll go do that... you grab the paper towels and meet me by the toothpaste splatter.
The paper towels. Yes, I know I said get his shoes, but now I need you to grab the paper towels. Then you can get his shoes.
Why are you going into your room?!
Where'd your brother go... hey, get out of those snacks, they're for the car!
Urgh, okay, wait, what time is it?
9:20?!
Crud."
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