It's taken me 9 long months to uncover
his dastardly plan, and I bring great peril upon myself to warn the
outside world, but it's too late for me and I have to warn the rest of
the world: my son Zachary is an evil supervillain.
He may just be the evilest of supervillains to ever villainize, super or otherwise.
Oh sure he looks cute, but that's just part of his supervillain disguise. It throws you off. Disarms you. "How could such a cute, innocent baby ever be the most dastardly villain the Earth has ever seen?" you ask no one in particular, and somewhere Damien and Rosemary's kid give each other a high five and laugh their evil laughs, smirking knowingly.
His plan is multi-layered and exceptionally subtle, but make no mistake: there is a plan. He plays the long game.
It begins by systematically depriving you of sleep. Night after night. Just a little here and there. With some coffee you can get by and usually even fake being alert, but his timing is uncanny. Impeccable. He keeps you from REM sleep and you never really get the rest you need.
Your short-term memory goes first. Then your energy. Soon you're just a mindless zombie shuffling along on auto-pilot and he's got you right where he wants you.
Then he hits you with the Wail of the Banshee. Any energy you had left is drained immediately from your body and given to him. He somehow feeds on it, spits up all over you, and then takes a little post-meal nap. But don't think you're going to get any shut-eye too, my friend. Oh, no. He's got that covered.
He's developed a new power that he can utilize even in his sleep. The Tooth Grind.
Ever hear nails on a chalkboard? This is worse. He's hardly got any teeth to work with and he's not even awake, but he can send shivers down your spine with that unearthly sound, and it can reach you anywhere you try to hide. Oh, and don't bother trying to hide, because if you do, he'll just wake up and hit you with another Wail until you come crawling back to feed him some more.
The final part of his plan seems to involve crushing your will to even leave your house while simultaneously destroying every relationship you have or will have with everyone around you. Lo to you if he uses the Wail in public because there are only 3 possible outcomes:
You either beg, plead and bribe him to stop until you've bartered your soul away for a few moments peace; you pretend to ignore him until everyone within 100 yards is literally trying to kill you with their eyes; or you become "that" parent who finally snaps and leaves everyone around you shaking their head at that awful parent and that poor, poor innocent child.
Run while you can, people. Run.
He may just be the evilest of supervillains to ever villainize, super or otherwise.
Oh sure he looks cute, but that's just part of his supervillain disguise. It throws you off. Disarms you. "How could such a cute, innocent baby ever be the most dastardly villain the Earth has ever seen?" you ask no one in particular, and somewhere Damien and Rosemary's kid give each other a high five and laugh their evil laughs, smirking knowingly.
His plan is multi-layered and exceptionally subtle, but make no mistake: there is a plan. He plays the long game.
It begins by systematically depriving you of sleep. Night after night. Just a little here and there. With some coffee you can get by and usually even fake being alert, but his timing is uncanny. Impeccable. He keeps you from REM sleep and you never really get the rest you need.
Your short-term memory goes first. Then your energy. Soon you're just a mindless zombie shuffling along on auto-pilot and he's got you right where he wants you.
Then he hits you with the Wail of the Banshee. Any energy you had left is drained immediately from your body and given to him. He somehow feeds on it, spits up all over you, and then takes a little post-meal nap. But don't think you're going to get any shut-eye too, my friend. Oh, no. He's got that covered.
He's developed a new power that he can utilize even in his sleep. The Tooth Grind.
Ever hear nails on a chalkboard? This is worse. He's hardly got any teeth to work with and he's not even awake, but he can send shivers down your spine with that unearthly sound, and it can reach you anywhere you try to hide. Oh, and don't bother trying to hide, because if you do, he'll just wake up and hit you with another Wail until you come crawling back to feed him some more.
The final part of his plan seems to involve crushing your will to even leave your house while simultaneously destroying every relationship you have or will have with everyone around you. Lo to you if he uses the Wail in public because there are only 3 possible outcomes:
You either beg, plead and bribe him to stop until you've bartered your soul away for a few moments peace; you pretend to ignore him until everyone within 100 yards is literally trying to kill you with their eyes; or you become "that" parent who finally snaps and leaves everyone around you shaking their head at that awful parent and that poor, poor innocent child.
Run while you can, people. Run.
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